THANKSDAY #99
Hey friends, it’s Monica.
Back in the day, before Be Still Be Free was even a twinkle in our eye, I used to blog. I wrote pretty regularly, and mostly essay/devotion type stuff. It was how God and I processed through my issues together; I’d have something churning in my spirit, I’d start to write, and through the process of writing He would bring revelation. Or clarity. Or understanding. Or a holy, let it go, sister.
Other times I’d write fun things or updates on my kids. For a long while I was committed to Five Minute Fridays which is how I met several online-now-real-life friends. Then I got started on this Thankful Thursday kick I (dorkily) called Thanksday, where I’d make a list of things giving me life and bringing me joy that week. I was pretty consistent for awhile back then. I’d share things on that list that ranged from uber-spiritual to fashion-oriented to a current favorite pimento cheese. You just never knew where my wind was going to blow. (Okay ew, that’s not what I meant.)
And then we started Be, and I started blogging less and less. My creative cup overfloweth with all things Be, and the method for my creative needs switched to more podcasting and less writing. And while I missed it, and from time-to-time would indulge with a devotion-type post on our Be Together Facebook group, I sort of let writing slide. In fact, my last Thanksday post (last anything post, actually) was in September of 2016. TWO THOUSAND AND SIXTEEN. So what I’m trying to say is that it’s been a minute since I’ve sat and written just for the love of writing.
Sara has begged and all but offered me cash money to write another Thanksday for ages now (1.5 years to be exact), but I couldn’t escape the meh-emoji feeling I had toward it. (I can’t force it, people. I’m a creative!) So she finally gave up and let it go, sister.
But then last week I had some intentional, focused prayer time. And one day specifically I felt God asking me what were my prayer requests for myself personally. Not for my friends or family or for our house to sell or for my husband or kids, but for just me. And I somehow found myself writing down these words:
I want to write again. I don’t know what that looks like, but I want to.
Not one hour later, my husband says to me out of the clear blue, “You haven’t written in awhile. Do you miss it? I miss your Thanksday posts.” #wideeyedemoji
Then a day later he tags me in a tweet that says it’s never too late to start writing that book. A day after that, I was workshopping with two ladies, and at the end as we’re wrapping up to go, one comments on that tweet and asks about it. I share with her the story of the book I maybe-someday-might-could write. We talk about the She Speaks conference I attended. The other lady mentions a friend that went to She Speaks as well and a specific agent she met with. “Oh, you mean so-and-so?” I ask. “Yes,” she says, “Do you know him?”
And with that one innocent question… Do you know him?… I shocked myself by crying in front of these two stunned women who weren’t sure what was going on. Because I did know him. He just happened to be the one and only agent I just really, really was sure would be the best one for me that I unsuccessfully queried several times. And the 10+-year-old pain of rejection and deeply buried dreams came rushing to the surface again.
And all this happened within days of the prayer that said I want to write again. (So the lesson here is be careful what you pray for, OBVS.)
A dear friend told me the other day that she’s seeing God rebirth some dreams in the lives of people around her, and that she thinks maybe that’s what God is doing for me, too. I had been so willing to let the writing go, because he told me six years ago to not lose sight of the ministry and message by focusing so much on the method. And so I tried really hard not to lose sight. I focused on the ministry and I focused on the message and I held so loosely to the method of writing that it slipped out of my fingers the way my kids do with every passing year.
Yet here we are years later, and that deep, simmering dream is bubbling back up again. And I sit in a most familiar place, with my fingers flying over a keyboard and my mind reaching for thoughts so they don’t fly away, and the only thing that’s changed is the pair of reading glasses now perched on my nose because AGE. And I’m writing. And it’s clunky and awkward and incredibly too verbose, but I’m doing it. I’m writing.
And it feels a just a little bit like home.
I would love to tell you that straight-up writing will become a more regular thing here at Be — that I’ll use this space to flex my phalange muscles and see what becomes of it. But I don’t that’s the case, or what it will become, or if God is even rebirthing writing dreams at all. Maybe this is a one-off because I’m really excited about Cadbury Mini Eggs.
But what I do know is this: God is in the business of always being good. Period and full stop. And while everyone struggles with unrealized dreams, God is still in the midst either giving new dreams, or rebirthing old ones, or changing our perspective to see how our dreams have been fulfilled; sometimes maybe they just look differently than we thought they would. The key, you see, is to hold those dreams loosely like we hold our children — with space to breathe and grow and mature on their own timeline, not ours. And sometimes they fly away. And other times they come back at almost 45 and never leave.
So with no good segue or transition whatsoever (I’m rusty, remember?), here are some of my favorite things this week (none of these links are affiliates, by the way, just want to be helpful):
1. Cadbury Mini Eggs. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and we’ve already gone through three bags of these around here. They’re a bit counter-productive to me getting spring break ready, but my goodness do they go a long way in making me not care about that one iota.
2. Ear Plugs. Both my husband and I have been smacked with the snoring stick, and all I can say is that I blame Atlanta allergies. So we’re going back and forth with who’s struggling each night and ear plugs have become a life saver for our marriage.
3. Fitbit Coach. Listen. I have a gym membership, but it’s always packed and in case we’ve forgotten, I’m an introvert. Working out with a lot of people stresses me out, and no matter how much I enjoy working out, I hate being bothered with people part of it. Back in the mountains, I was what you’d call spoilt. We were able to work out at a country club that was empty half the year; every machine and piece of equipment was at my beck and call and it was glorious. So to have to wait for machines and be surrounded my immodest older ladies fresh from water aerobics in the locker room has been a bit of a struggle. So I will often use the Fitbit Coach app from Fitbit. Sometimes I pay for a monthly membership and sometimes don’t. But there are several really good workouts I can do in the comfort and privacy of my own home. (And it saves me drive time, too, which is important if I’m going to be writing more. AHEM.). It’s been a gift on those days I’m feeling particularly non-social and when I’m done with a workout I’ll give God all the praise hands emojis.
4. Marco Polo. I have avoided downloading this app for ages because already I have too many apps in which I disable notifications and don’t need to add another one to that list. But at the sheer insistence of a friend (the one who told me about God rebirthing dreams, incidentally), I finally did it. Marco Polo is a walkie-talkie type app like Voxer, where you exchange messages with individuals and groups as you want to. Only with Marco Polo, it’s all video. So it’s like FaceTime but without having to be available immediately. You just leave a video message whenever is convenient. And y’all, I’ve had more fun with this! My kids have exchanged messages with my mom, I’m chatting more with old friends, it’s great. Also, my teen daughter calls it Snapchat for Old People. Go with God.
5. Pen & Paper. This sounds like it would be the name of some hipster new coffee bar or stationary store, but I actually am legitimately talking about actual pens (well, mechanical pencils, duh) and actual paper. I’ve gone back to handwriting my prayers in the morning, and it’s been revolutionary. I get too distracted during my prayer time if I don’t write them out. My mind wanders a million miles an hour and I’m too under-caffeinated to get back on track. So I’ve been writing them out, long hand style in my all caps penmanship, with my mechanical pencil and snobby journal with lines that aren’t too dark and my prayers have become so much more specific and focused. And pretty. I love it. (For what it’s worth, these are my favorite journals; this is my favorite pencil.)
6. Maybelline Baby Lips Moisturizing Lip Gloss in Cherry Me. I have tossed Burt’s Bees Rose Tinted Lip Balm into the trash and now carry this and only this as my go-to for daily color. And I just can’t give it higher praise than that. THERE IS NO HIGHER PRAISE.
7. Rodan + Fields Lash Boost. (Disclaimer: I do not sell R+F, nor receive any sort of kick-back for this recommendation. This product made the list purely out of my sheer shock at the results.)
Fact: my eyelashes are sparse, thin and short.
Fact: my eyebrows require pencil to fill in the many gaps and are sparse on the outside.
Fact: I used to have to curl my lashes and apply mascara three times for them to gain any sort of traction and look normal. If I’m at the pool or beach and swim? I look completely hairless on the eye region. If I go a day mascara-free, I look like I cried everything off.
A friend had been using Lash Boost on her eyelashes and I kept making comments about how long they were. And she was all, “Listen, I’m telling you, it’s worth the investment! I’ve had to stop using it daily because they were getting too long!” (Confession, it was Sara. I just outed her.)
I went with haste to my husband (as Mary did to Elizabeth) to request it as an early Christmas gift, and have been diligently using it nightly for three months. And here’s what I’m going to report to you…words I would never in a kajillion years think I would have to type:
I HAD TO ACTUALLY TRIM MY EYELASHES LAST MONTH.
Not only have they grown longer, I’ve grown more in quantity…like, there are significantly more than 10 lashes on each eyelid. My daughter actually told me recently that they were starting to look fake. And I felt in that moment like I had walked the red carpet to accept an Oscar. Could there be a compliment to its effectiveness higher than that? I also use it on my eyebrows and they are filling in, too. Still pretty pale, but more pale hairs than before.
Caveat: it’s pricey at about $120 a tube with a discount (hence Christmas gift). BUT, I’m still using the same tube, still have product in it, and it’s been three months. So it lasts a realllllllly long time and comes out to about $40 a month which is four times more than I spend on face wash a month. So it evens out. My main goal in using it was to be able to go to the pool and beach makeup free (per usual), but not look like a ghoul that is hairless on her face. #missionaccomplished
So that’s all I have for this week. I used to list 10 things, and this week there’s only seven because #rustywriter. And also this is already longer than it needs to be and I’m positive no one has stuck around this far because #allthewords.
Thanks for sticking with me, and major blessings to you. May your Thursday be filled with thanksgiving for all He’s done. Amen and amen.